


I can see you dancing, I can lay down next to you

by nica00



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Donghyuck is suffering, Happy Ending, M/M, Renjun is as well im sorry, Sexual content in chapter 2, Trigger warning: Alcoholism, first time writting angst for dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-19 12:41:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22277740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nica00/pseuds/nica00
Summary: Donghyuck drinks so he can remember Renjun
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely inspired by the song Talia by King Princess. It made me emotional so I had to write something about it. It's angsty as fuck and please let this serve as a trigger warning for alcoholism and depression. Enjoy : )

Donghyuck knew that it was getting out of control. He knew when his hands began to shake slightly from withdrawals in the middle of the afternoon. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to care. It was the only way his thoughts would leave him alone. Seeing _him,_ lounging on his stomach at the foot Hyuck’s bed, with his soft brown hair tousled and his crossed legs up made his mind quiet. It had been a month or two or three since it all happened. To Donghyuck time had become a blur. He still felt as bad as he did that day, so why even bother keeping track of time? All he did was rot anyways, nothing of importance. Mark turned into a nuisance. He called every day to ask how many drinks he had. Donghyuck eventually blocked his number.

He wanted to stop, he did. But after a few drinks, he could feel his fingers on his own. He could lay down next to him and taste his chapstick. Things had ended on relatively good terms. Well, Donghyuck didn’t have a say. The elder took his things one day and Donghyuck woke up to a half-empty closet and a letter on his nightstand.

_Hey, my love_

_I need to leave, I don’t know when I’ll be back or if I will. I’m just exhausted and I don’t want to be with you like this anymore. You deserve better and since I can’t get better, I urge you to search for that._

_Yours, Renjun_

Donghyuck heard his sobs before he noticed that he was crying. He climbed out of bed, put on the first pair of shoes he could find and ran to Marks’ apartment. He threw the door open and was met with Jaemin, Jisung, Jeno, Chenle, and Mark, looking a bit pale. Mark looked at him with so much pity that he felt sick to his stomach.

“You knew he was leaving?” Hyuck accused, rapidly walking towards Mark.

“Hyuck, don’t” Jaemin tried, but it was in vain. Donghyuck was already in Mark's space, pushing him forcefully. Mark was quick to wrap his arms around Donghyuck and tug him closer. The younger struggled to get away, but Mark only held him tighter. In Marks' arms, Donghyuck cried harder than his best friends had ever seen him. When he asked where he was, none of them could answer exactly. Chenle knew he went back to his parents in Rio Bravo, but he didn’t know his address. To say that Donghyuck was devastated was an understatement.

Since Renjun had been radio silent and left without saying goodbye it was just as if he had never even existed in Donghyucks’ life. When he drank, the boy became a figment of his imagination. Hyuck would sit in his living room and could see him there, dancing to the Ronettes, beer in hand and smile so wide Donghyuck couldn’t help but want to walk over and kiss it wider. Instead, he threw his scotch glass against the nearest wall.

But this was better than not seeing him at all. That was the crushing reality that Donghyuck could not face. He could not bury him as he had done with all his other exes; Or how _he_ had done with Donghyuck. Because whenever he left his apartment to distract himself, he would come back to unlock the door and for a split second, he would forget. He would forget the crushing weight that he felt in his chest at the thought of the prettiest boy he had ever met. He absentmindedly barged into his apartment expecting to see him there, sat on the counter, scrolling through his phone while his noodles cooked. And then he _remembered._

He hoped that he was happy. He truly hoped Renjun found his peace, wherever he was. Even if Donghyuck lost his sanity in exchange. He never knew he had the capacity to miss someone so much. He lost track of the drinks he was having a day a long time ago, and every week he would eat less and less. His body began to decay along with his mind, and soon he had lost so much weight that his face looked foreign in the mirror. Renjun would have complained endlessly because he lost his cheeks, but Renjun wasn’t there.

Mark had resorted to slipping letters under his door and sometimes leaving food outside his door. Donghyuck responded to him by slipping the papers back, with tic tac toe grids drawn. He always chose ‘x’, and Mark always slipped it back the day after, with his ‘o’ filled out. Beside the game he wrote:

_“Love you Duckie”_

That was his favorite thing to be called. Renjun always called him that. One day he said it and Donghyuck felt all the air get sucked out of his lungs. “What did you call me?”

“ _Duckie_ , Duckie” Renjun grinned, tilting his head to the side a bit.

“Why?”

“I don't know, made it up. Jaemin always calls you Hyuckie and your name starts with a D, so I guess you're Duckie now” That day, Donghyuck kissed him until their lips were worn pink.

Now he was alone in his bed half asleep, but he could see Renjun there, pacing around the room and getting ready for bed. He could hear him rummaging through his sock drawer and he feels him dip the bed as he gets settled beside him. He could smell his coconut and jasmine shampoo and felt Renjun move against him, trying to find a comfortable position and ultimately stuffing his feet under Donghyuck like always because they got cold. Hyuck snuggled closer to his pillow and let himself be lulled to sleep.

When he wakes, it's due to the sun hitting directly on his face through the window. It is going down, and Hyuck doesn’t even remember putting the blinds up. He tries to pull them down but he never figured out the trick and now they got all tangled up sideways and have and he is too sleepy for this shit. He goes to get a drink and downs it with acquired grace; He does so a few times too many until he begins to feel relaxed again, grabs a t-shirt to shield his eyes from the sun and goes back to bed.

He wakes up in what he guesses is the middle of the night to a hand on his hair. He sloppily bolts up to Renjun sitting cross-legged on the bed beside him. He looks incredibly tiny in a sweater that used to belong to Chenle.

“Are you real?” he asks, in a voice so small it brought Renjun to tears. Donghyuck curls in on himself, bringing his knees up to his chest and lets his own tears fall.

“I am” Renjun whispers back. But Donghyuck didn't believe he was there until the boy attacks his lips with kisses. Renjun is there and kissing him. He opens his mouth and welcomes his soothing tongue inside, eyes fluttering open while he caresses his cheek and wipes the elders' tears away. He moves on top of him, his legs bracketing Donghyucks’ body. Renjun looks tired as he lays on his chest, face hidden in his neck and feet tucked under Donghyucks’ thighs. He was already cold again.

“You left” leaves Donghyucks’ mouth just as

“I’m so sorry” does from the others.

“I was gonna kill myself” Renjun admits, now sitting up on his lap. “I drove home to visit my mom for the last time. She saw the state I was in after the day I spent with her and she hospitalized me. I went through three months of new meds, therapy, and terrible hospital food. I missed your cooking. I got discharged four days ago. I have been driving back ever since” Renjun finishes.

“How do you feel?” Donghyuck asks, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“Still depressed. Just, not suicidal anymore. My previous meds were not doing me good… God, I missed you Duckie. Where did my cheeks go, huh?” Renjun asks, pinching the side of his face while blinking away more tears. Donghyuck couldn’t bring himself to look at him in the eye but he didn’t have to because Renjun was leaning in. He caught Hyucks’ open mouth with his own and pushed him back so Donghyuck was leaning against his headboard. He tugged a bit on the hair on the back of his neck like he always did, to remind Hyuck that he was his. As if he would ever forget.

“I drained all the bottles from your stash”

“I don't care, just promise you'll never leave me like that again”

“Never again” he promises, sealing it with a last kiss and a long hug that fell short to both of them. “Now come on, Mark Hyung made me hotpot, there's some in the kitchen for you. I'm getting those cheeks back in a month” Renjun says, kissing his cheek languidly.

For the first time in a while, Donghyuck felt sober, calm and quiet at the same time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath of Renjun coming home

After that night, everything slowly began to go uphill. It was a steep one, but he had Renjun with him; Donghyuck would do anything for the boy. But he still got urges to drink, his body had become so accustomed to the poison that he began to feel nervous and fatigued from the smallest things, like walking across the supermarket to get the milk he forgot or walking up the stairs with a single grocery bag. He was fucking sick of it. 

Mark, Jisung, and Chenle got on his nerves more than usual and he lashed out at them, but the boys knew it was just the detox talking. When they all came over a week after Renjun had come home, they had a small fight. Donghyuck was sleeping peacefully in Renjuns arms on their grey carpet while the boys caught up with each other and he woke up complaining about the _fucking vanilla cupcake yankee candle cloud of lies._ Chenle promised he would not vape near him anymore, but Jisung decided to tease him by blowing a cloud of smoke in his direction. Jeno and Jaemin laughed, but when they saw Hyucks’ reaction their smiles faded a bit. 

“Jisung, what the fuck?” Donghyuck yelled, swatting away at the air in front of him. Jisung began to giggle because it truly was a harmless action. But, since Donghyuck wasn’t in his right mind, he got up and walked out of the apartment and onto the balcony. Mark tried to talk him down but he wouldn’t listen. 

Jisung just followed him out to the balcony, automatically wrapping his arms around his torso and mumbling “I’m sorry hyung, I didn’t think you would react like that”

“ _I’m_ sorry Sungie. I overreacted” he admitted, letting himself be hugged by the younger, yet bigger boy. “I don’t know what is wrong with me lately… ”

“I do. I think you know as well” Jisung scoffed, biting Donghyucks’ shoulder playfully and leaning his head on it. It was something the maknae always did, instead of showering them in kisses them as Donghyuck did, Jisung bit them to show affection. It brought a smile to the elders' face.

“Yeah, I guess I do” he admitted. 

“But it's’ okay, we're gonna get through this” Jisung answered, and Donghyuck swore he could hear the stupid, hopeful grin on his face. He felt another pair of arms wrap around his waist and looked to his vacant shoulder to see Mark snuggling into him. 

“He’s right you know? We already got Renjun back, now, we are getting our Donghyuck back. I promise you” Mark assured him. 

That night, all of them ended up watching Lord of the Rings on the living room, snuggled together in a cuddle pile with copious amounts of blankets and pillows. Chenle had called dibs on Renjun for the night to snuggle with and Mark had Jisungs head on his lap. Jeno and Jaemin clung to Donghyuck, murmuring cheesy shit about him being the Frodo to their Sam into his ear. 

“We will bear the burden of carrying the ring of alcoholism with you to Mordor” Jaemin giggled.

”Shut up you tit” Donghyuck laughed, so hard he wheezed. 

An hour into the third movie of the marathon and everyone had fallen asleep. Donghyuck decided he needed some fresh air and settled on the hammock on the balcony. He took his blanket since it was a bit chilly out and he sighed his sorrows away, itching for a drink. He was happy, he truly was. Renjun was back and his friends weren't looking at him like a kicked puppy anymore. Yet, he couldn't help but miss the burn down his throat and the hazy feeling he got after, a high like no other that left him walking on the clouds. He turned on the hammock and found Renjun standing behind him. The elder had a big shirt, plaid pajama shorts and Donghyuck cursed internally, because looking that good had to be forbidden. His hair was brown and messy and Hyuck needed him closer or he was sure he would, in fact, die. 

“How can you look like _that_ wearing pajamas?” Donghyuck pondered out loud, causing the boy to scoff. 

“Because you're a pervert” Renjun stated, shutting the sliding door. He got into the hammock and laid his head on Donghyucks’ belly. 

“Well, you seem to enjoy my debauched ways” he answered, sliding his hand inside Renjuns' shirt and resting his fingers on his waist.

After some silence, he spoke again “I’ve said I missed you before, I know. But, I don't think you understand what I mean by that. I felt so fucking… heartless. You took it with you to Rio Bravo. I longed for you so much; talking to you and watching you and just, having you here. Knowing that you existed around me. Fuck, Renjun” he admitted, hands slowly going down to knead the skin on his hips. It only took a bit of caressing for Renjun to let out a small whine that Donghyuck would relish forever. It brought unspilled tears to his eyes, thinking he'd rather die than not have this. As Renjun lifted his shirt and pressed warm kisses to his belly Donghyuck spoke again “If you ever want to runaway Renjun, I’ll go with you. We can just go, I’ll quit my job and we can drive anywhere you want, I _can_ take care of you and I _will_. Just, never disappear like that again. I know you already told me you wouldn't but, every time we fall asleep together I wonder if when I wake up you're no longer going to be there” he admits. Renjun looked up fondly, going up to kiss his cheek softly. 

“I can never leave my soulmate again, it almost broke me. I almost couldn't do it, you know? I wanted to leave because I knew that the problem was my fucked up brain, it was never because of you. I came back 3 times that night just to kiss you goodbye while you slept. I knew you are good for me, but I didn't know if I was doing you any good”

“Renjun, that's not a choice you get to make. You can choose not to be with me, but it's not your choice to decide if you are good for me or not. Especially if I already made up my mind” Donghyuck said and punctuated it by pressing a kiss to his lips. Renjun began to kiss back as fiercely as he could laying beside him on the small space. His whole body was pressed against the other and when he snuck a hand into Donghyucks’ pants, his breathing stuttered. 

“And I'm the pervert?” he teased, even when he was in no position to. Renjun smiled mischievously, beginning to grind against his thigh but Donghyuck was having none of that and began to return the favor. He grasped and caressed him through the thin fabric of his shorts. He made sure to look at Renjuns' face, cataloging every detail. 

“You look so good. You have been eating well and gaining the weight you lost. I have to reward you _baobei_ ” the pet name made Donghyuck malfunction and he watched in awe as Renjun lowered his head to take him inside his mouth. All he could do was mutter _I love you_ over and over again like a broken record and thread his fingers on his chocolate brown hair. Renjun squeezed his leg, signaling him to thrust inside his mouth but Donghyuck stopped him. 

“Safeword?” Hyuck breathed out, panting like he was running. It had been a while. Renjuns’ mouth was his weakness. 

“Blueberry, but I won't be able to talk much with your cock down my throat… ” Renjun said, lolling his tongue to lick around his crown.

“Renjun…” Donghyuck said in a frustrated tone, and Renjun spoke up. 

“I’ll tap your leg twice in a row if I want you to stop,” he said, beginning to work his mouth again. He pulled off to rile Donghyuck up more by saying “Your cock has always been so pretty and pink.” He began to prod into his slit, soft tongue digging in and causing the younger to let out a broken moan.

“If you don't want me to nut in your mouth right now you better stop talking like that” Donghyuck warned, but Renjun just laughed. 

“Who said that is not precisely what I want?” he admitted, beginning to bob his head to take him deeper. “Are you really gonna pass out the opportunity to fuck my mouth?” he asked pulling away. He couldn't keep sassing him because Donghyuck shoved himself into his mouth again and began to piston his hips, making Renjun moan like he was on the receiving end. Renjun let him use his mouth and weakly began to rub his thighs together. Both of the boys were lost in each other, but Donghyuck was as noisy as ever while trying not to be. He was not good at keeping quiet and Renjun knew he needed something in his mouth to calm himself down. 

“Suck on your fingers for me love” he ordered and Donghyuck did as he was told. He swirled his tongue around his index and middle finger, drooling and getting messier as he got closer to the edge of desire. The extra stimulus on the pads of his fingers made him come undone into Renjuns’ mouth while his own was stuffed full. The elder licked him clean and pulled away, tucking him into his pants with a satisfied smile. He proceeded to press a kiss to Donghyucks’forehead. 

When he came down from his high, Hyuck stood up and grabbed Renjun roughly and carried him inside, hastily opening the sliding door. He kissed him and grabbed at his thighs ferally as he maneuvered their way through the living room floor that was crowded with sleeping bodies. They make it to their room and he throws Renjun on the bed wasting no time in undressing him, sliding his shirt and shorts off to trace the creamy skin with his tongue. He was left in his underwear and Donghyuck wanted to tear at the panties, rip the white lace and absolutely devour the small boy beneath him. But with this he took his time, worshipping Renjuns pretty legs while sliding them off. He kissed and bit at his legs, making sure that Renjun couldn't wear shorts in public for a while without the hickeys showing in his thighs and the crook of his knees. It was a place that Donghyuck loved, he didn't really know why. 

He worked his way up and was only satisfied when the elder was flushed and needy, back arching off the mattress to chase his mouth. Renjun was too proud to beg, but he began to pull Donghyuck on top of him and dragged him up the bed in a deep kiss. Donghyuck let himself be kissed and started to lick his way down again. 

“We need lube” Renjun stated, quickly crawling on the bed to the nightstand and grabbing it. His perky ass was on display, the lace prettily hugged his skin and it made Hyucks mouth water. He remembered the way his tongue had made Renjun whine and moan the last time he tasted him. As Renjun handed the bottle to Donghyuck he raised an eyebrow and tossed it aside, just to tease the elder. 

“Who said I was gonna fuck you?” he teased. “I wanted to eat you out” Renjuns’ eyes widened at that. They had only done it once before, and he almost passed out. He felt so good he wanted to cry.

“You can do both, I cleaned myself, ” he admitted, blushing like crazy. Donghyuck loved it. 

“Aw, don't get shy on me now after the stunt you pulled on the balcony…You planned this, didn't you?” he asked, laying in between Renjuns legs, shamelessly grinding against him. 

“I've thought about it for a while” Renjun admitted, covering his face with his arms. 

“Don't hide from me” Donghyuck said, grabbing his arms and putting them at both sides of his head. “What did you think about?”

“ _You_. How it would feel after 2 months of nothing” as he answered, Donghyuck rolled his hips down to give him a bit of friction. 

“ How did I fuck you?” 

“You held my legs open like this” Renjun swallowed. Donghyuck could feel how tense he was, the muscles on his legs straining and shaking nervously.

“Lucky you then” Donghyucks began to spread them wider, and finally, he slid further down until his head was in his crotch and began to push his tongue gently inside. The sensation made the elder want to close his legs and Donghyuck put them over his shoulders, so Renjun could be comfortable while he feasted. He was so tight that Hyuck just knew that he hadn't played with himself in a while; Renjun admitted that since they got together, it didn’t feel very good by himself anymore and Hyuck understood because he felt the same. He didn't want to beat his meat when he could have all this. Eating him out was an experience for both of them. Renjun got off from the pleasure and Donghyuck felt so filthy that he loved doing it. 

He loved how Renjun clenched around his tongue, loved how he shoved his face unceremoniously to feel him deeper. This was his favorite side of Renjun; desperate and uncaring. Donghyuck swore he could die happy at that moment. He began to pump Renjuns cock in tandem with his tongue and slid a finger beside his tongue, curling it lightly into his sweet spot. Renjun was delirious, mumbling a mix of Korean and Chinese praises for his golden boy. 

“Can you please just, _ugh_ , fuck me already! I have been cock-starved for almost 3 months, you’re driving me insane” the boy finally moaned, reaching between his legs to get Hyucks cock out of his pants. He gave it a few experimental tugs and it didn't take long for him to get fully hard again. 

Renjun took it upon himself to get the bottle of lube that had been thrown aside, squirt some on his fingers and scissor them inside. The look on his face as he pleasured himself was sinfully ludicrous. His mouth was parted and tiny gasps left his plump, kiss swollen mouth. It was better than any wet dream Donghyuck had ever had as he pulled them out, stretched his hole open with his hands and looked up to Donghyuck, eyes full of brimming tears. 

“Need you inside me Duckie, please,” he said, in the most broken voice Hyuck had heard from him in bed. It was the first time he had begged. Sure, he had been slutty for Donghyuck, but he had never begged for his cock. It made him dizzy with both lust and affection to see the elders' big brown eyes pleadingly looking up at him while presenting himself.

Hyuck pressed his tip against him, slowly but firmly sliding inside and Renjun threw his head back. His mouth was open in a silent moan as Donhyuck gave him time to adjust. 

“Please, fuck me now” he pled. “I’ve waited long enough”

“You have to adjust, wait a few minutes,” He said, finishing with a soft, french kiss to his mouth.

“I swear to god if you don't move now I think I’ll cry” Renjun wailed into his lips. “ Just- _nghh_ ” Donghyuck didn’t let him finish his complaints and began to fuck him at a fast pace, grabbing on to Renjuns neck for leverage. The soft kiss he was pressing to Renjun’s cheek turned into a rough tongue fucking his mouth. 

“Is this how you wanted me to treat you?” _like a whore? A hole that I can use?_ It was left unsaid, but Renjun knew what the question meant. He nodded, tears brimming around his eyes and cock so hard between his legs that it leaked more and more with every brutal thrust of Donghuyck’s hips. The pace was kept and it didn’t take long for Renjun to wrap a loose hand around his own cock to finish, painting Hyucks stomach in milky white ropes with a harsh cry. Despite the hypersensitivity, after he came he tightened his hole for Hyuck to use.

“Duckie, fuck, please” he caterwauled. He maneuvered them into a different position, one where Hyuck was on his back. He sat down on his cock, bouncing up and down to help Donghyuck chase his release. His come was slowly leaking out of him, Hyuck could feel it drip around his cock and when he looked, the view of Renjuns hole dripping with his come was what drove him over the edge. He held his hips in place as he rode out his high. As he did, he realized that he had come twice, when Renjun had only come once. 

“I wanna make you come again” he breathed, pulling out and shoving the smaller face-first into the mattress. He put him on all fours and opened him up with his tongue once again. He could taste himself, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was making his soulmate feel good. He managed to tug his cock into his mouth and tasted every inch of it while two of his fingers abused Renjun’s prostate repeatedly. Renjun came into the back of his throat and Hyuck let the elder fuck his mouth to get the most of his release. 

“Fuck, Donghyuck” he panted, pulling out of his mouth and laying lifelessly on the bed beside him. “I think you sucked the soul out of my dick” he voices. It causes them both to laugh, curling into each other. They almost fall asleep but Donghyuck got up to get a towel to clean themselves, to Renjun’s dismay. 

“I adore you” Donghuyck whispered when he finished cleaning Renjun. He pressed a final kiss to his mouth before guiding him to lay his head on his bare chest, both wishing the night could last forever as they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was just completely self-indulgent smut y'all I am truly sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know if I should write a part two to this, I'm kinda debating doing so. Also, please point out to me any grammatical and plot errors, I want to better my skills <3
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/staccato_renjun)


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